Why do we procrastinate?

Fear…we’re afraid that if we do the thing we might just fail. But hey, we might just succeed too. If we don’t try we are guaranteed to fail, right?

Fear…we’re afraid that if we do the thing we might just succeed – and then what will be expected of us? We’d have to keep on succeeding (yikes). However, it could lead to wonderful new heights, experiences, fun too, couldn’t it?

Fear…we’re afraid we won’t enjoy doing the thing, whatever it might be. And maybe we won’t – but it’s a whole lot better than the pain of putting it off. At least we will get something at the end of our pain. With putting stuff off we end up with nothing, except more pain.

Fear…we’re afraid of doing the wrong thing. Maybe it will be the wrong thing, but we won’t know for sure until we do it and if it is wrong we’ll have valuable information on what is the right thing to do next. It’s all learning after all, isn’t it?

As with most self-defeating avoidance behaviour, fear tends to be at the root somewhere. And as with most self-defeating avoidance behaviour, we are kidding ourselves. What’s worse is that we know we are kidding ourselves but we keep on kidding ourselves anyway – and we keep on making ourselves miserable.

You know it. I know it. We all know it. So let’s stop it NOW.

Here are some suggestions on how to tackle this annoying way of life:

• Make a decision: Decide what you need (or want) to do. Yes, just decide. Make that commitment.  You can go around and round in maddening circles forever and get nowhere.  Dig your heels in, stop the Merry-go-round and make the decision.  Take the chance. Even a wrong decision is better than no decision. Indecision drives people mad.

If you get it wrong, at the very least you get feedback and experience and you can alter your course in the direction of the right decision. Sitting there dithering, stewing gets you nowhere. It’s a waste of life. And, boy, is it stressful.

• Break it down: Once you know what you want to do, break it up into small parts. We’ve all heard it before but it’s true – you can only eat an elephant one bite at a time and you can’t swallow an apple whole or it will kill you! Everything is made up of smaller parts so break that task or project up into small manageable bite sized pieces – and do one small piece at a time. And keep on doing one small piece at a time until the job is done. (Oh, the satisfaction!)

• Give it five minutes: If you really dread a particular task (like working out or cleaning out that attic or writing that report) just commit to doing it for five minutes. Tell yourself that after five minutes if you still really hate it, you’ll stop – but give it five whole minutes of your life to start. I’ve always found that ‘the hardest part is to start’. So commit wholeheartedly to that five minutes.

Generally what happens is that five minutes of solid effort is enough to get you over that hump of procrastination and once the ball starts rolling you’re usually happy enough to continue to let it roll. More often than not you’ll find that the imagined pain of doing the task is far, far worse than the real pain of actually doing it. Think of it like taking a plunge into a cold swimming pool. For the first minute or so it’s a bit uncomfortable but then as you acclimatise it becomes kind of nice…doesn’t it?

• Complete the action: I find this great for getting a blog post written or a room tidied or whatever it is I need to just get done and dusted. The idea is that no matter what, you finish or ‘complete the action’ of what you are doing and don’t allow anything to stop you. So, for example, if you are in the middle of your allotted task and the phone rings, you don’t let it interrupt you. You let it ring. (Don’t worry if it’s important, they’ll leave a voicemail or ring back). You hold on tight to what you are doing and don’t stop until its done, finished, gone.

It’s so easy these days, with emails popping in, texts pinging you, phones ringing, Facebook beckoning you and colleagues sticking their heads around the door, to let yourself be interrupted. You stop your task and then God only knows when, if ever, you come back to it. No, no – complete the action. Hang on in there and get it done. Do not let anyone or anything stop you.

• Touch it once: I got this idea from the famous Sales Guru Tom Hopkins. It’s similar to the ‘complete the action idea’ and it’s great for keeping your Inbox cleared and your desk free of paperwork. Here the idea is that you deal with things, as much as you can, as they arise. Obviously not if you are in mid task, as per 4 above, but if you are not particularly involved in something then when that email arrives you answer it at once, then file it or delete it. When that document arrives on your desk you deal with it immediately and read it then and there or file it or bin it. Basically, as much as possible, you take final action on everything that comes your way. This saves so much time.

I used to find that I’d be re-reading emails over and over because I hadn’t taken final action on them when they first came in. So I’d waste time re-reading them, then I’d waste paper and ink printing out attachments that I had previously printed out because I wasn’t sure I had already printed them – and I developed the frustration and confusion that comes from an over flowing Inbox and paper tray. The rule is ‘touch it once’ and get rid of it, if possible. You’ll save time, paper, ink, head space and stress.

• What’s the worst that could happen? Ask yourself what is the worst thing that will happen if I tackle this task now? Usually the answer will be so trivial it will make you realise you are causing yourself a lot of pain for nothing. Then ask yourself what will happen if you don’t tackle the task. Usually if this thing has been hanging around long enough to have a negative emotional effect on you, then it is important to you.

The chances are that doing it might lead to some minor temporary discomfort but not doing it will lead to longer lasting pain, stress and possibly missed opportunities. How many times have you fretted and stewed for days (if not weeks) over an assignment that when you finally got around to tackling only took a few hours? Imagine weeks of pain for the sake of a few hours of discomfort! Mad, eh? You need to realise you are accepting long term pain for a very short term (and very often not even that enjoyable, guilt laden) gain.

• Hard choice, easy life. Easy choice, hard life: I believe this saying was coined by Olympic weight lifter Jerzy Gregorek and personally I think it is brilliant and so true. When it comes to doing things in life you often have two choices – the easy and the hard. Almost invariably the right choice is the hard one. Do I go to the gym or laze in bed for another hour? Do I eat the ice cream or the fruit? Do I work on my CV or watch another episode of ‘Game of Thrones’? As in number 6 above, it’s clear to see that the easy choice will give us pleasure in the short term but a much harder life in the long run. Be wise and take the short term pain so you get the long term gain and give yourself an easy life.

• Vow to do it NOW!: Yes, just vow to do it now. Whatever it is that’s been bugging you. Whatever it is that’s been hanging over you. Just do it now. Make that phone call… now. Turn on your computer and write up that report this minute. Go into that garage and start clearing out that junk…this second! Whatever it is make a start…and keep going. Take the leap and do it NOW.

• Live in the NOW: Speaking of ‘vowing to do it now’, realise that now is all the time you really have. The past and future are just fantasy. The past only lives on in our memories (and very often not very accurately) and the future is pure imagination (and unless you are a Psychic, is pretty much guaranteed to be inaccurate).

In all of eternity NOW is the only time that you can really, actually physically do anything. Now is really the only time you have, so rather than wasting the precious now by putting off what you know you should be doing,  use it to make your  life wonderfully positive and productive – and in all likelihood wonderfully enjoyable and satisfying.

• Prioritise: A great excuse for putting off is that you don’t have enough time. There’s just too much to do! Funnily enough though, you nearly always have time for doing the fun, easy things, don’t you? You’ll squeeze them in there somehow…

If something is important enough to you that it is hanging over you and ruining your day then it is important enough to get done (otherwise why not just forget about it?) Choose to live a life of priority. Now, that doesn’t mean no fun and all work, but it does mean taking the time to realise what is important to you and committing to getting that done, for your own sake, growth and peace of mind. So do not put off what you need/want to do. Get it done now so you can make the most of your life and not whittle it away in fear, procrastination and just plain selling yourself short.

So…when are you going to do this? When will you take that first step to a better more fulfilling life?

Next week, tomorrow, today, sometime later or ….right NOW?

The post PROCRASTINATION – HOW TO BEAT IT, NOW! first appeared on LifeBoss Coaching.

In one talk he mentions the ‘drug of approval’ or ‘approval seeking’. It rang a bell. How true it is that we are addicted to gaining the approval of others at any and all costs. Just about everything we do is marred with the underlying question is it good enough? Good enough for whom? Others, that’s who. Will they like it? Will they like me? Am I good enough? Will they approve? Oh God…what if they don’t? (And in walks our old friend…fear, closely followed by our other old friend – immobilisation).

How can I gain approval? I know – I can lose weight. Gain weight. Gain muscle. Dye my hair. Smooth my skin. Pluck my eyebrows. A nip, a tuck, a skip, a hop and off we go…on the approval seeking merry go round. Always chasing, chasing ‘the horse of approval’ in front – but never quite getting there, not fully, not permanently. Or maybe we just stop dead. Don’t do it. Don’t say it. Don’t try it. Freeze – or you might fail! Better to do nothing than lose our ‘hit’ of approval…

So it goes – never finding self-reliance, self-acceptance, independence, true fulfilment…peace.

Why is it a drug? Well, we are addicted to it, aren’t we? We think we neeeeeed it! If we do something and others don’t give us our drug, we feel uneasy, restless, scared. What can we do to appease them? Change ourselves? Change our points of view?

We might make a bold statement like ‘I believe abortion is bad’. The raised eyebrow of disapproval is received. ‘Well, I don’t mean all abortion.’ Raised eyebrow lowering slightly. (Phew.) ‘I mean if the baby is dying or something then that’s okay…or if the woman really needs it.’ Raised eyebrow no longer raised. (Double phew – got away with it – you still like me…) And we can relax.

Our approval need has been satisfied and we can carry on – albeit as a slightly less true version of ourselves. We’ve sold our opinions and our values down the river but at least you still approve of me – or at least that version of me that I am pretending to be to please you.

So really this approval seeking drug is a wonderful method of control. If I don’t approve of you – and you desperately need approval then, heck, I can control you simply by withdrawing your drug aka my approval. And, hey presto, before you know it you are crawling back, for your drug, for your fix.

Control, control, control…

Where did this approval seeking behavior come from? We weren’t born with it. Small children automatically take it for granted that they are perfect just as they are. They happily wander around naked. They sing at the tops of their little voices. They dance. They jump. They fall over. If someone laughs at them they laugh right back.

But then the ‘training’ begins…Mommy doesn’t like it if you spit out your peas, bad Baby. Daddy doesn’t like it if you roll in the mud, bad Baby. Eat your greens, put on your coat, no – the blue one not the red one. Sit up straight. Be good in school. Stand up when the teacher enters the room. Be quiet. Ask to go to the toilet. Do your homework. Get good grades. Go to college. Get a degree. Get a good job. Be a good employee. Do well in your performance appraisal. Pay your water bill. Be a good citizen. Vote!

And on and on and on it goes. Do this. Do that. Do the other. And if you don’t…you’re a bad person. a failure. We officially disapprove of you – you Outcast!

Yep, society likes to control us with the ‘drug of approval’ – and it certainly works – because we believe we need it. So much so that many companies make a fortune out of our need for approval. Make-up by the ton, smile clinics, cosmetic surgery, weight loss, workout classes. We fear the withering look of disapproval we might get if we’re having a bad hair day or even worse  – a no hair day – so we go through the pain of hair straighteners or of hair plugs or whatever and on and on and on it goes.  And because we have been reared on this sort of thing we literally buy it all – hook, line and sinker!

So how do we stop it? First thing is to notice it. Be self-aware. We are so used to this need for approval that we don’t even see it anymore and yet it controls so much of our lives. Once we notice it – and how false the need is, then we can just drop it. Understanding leads to dropping it.

For example, next time you have your tuppence worth to say at a meeting and your fear of disapproval is holding you back, understand this fear is false. You don’t need ‘their’ approval. So just say it. Blurt it out! Don’t hang around afraid to speak up in case someone disapproves. Chances are it’s a valid point and very often if you don’t say it, someone else will – and then you feel crushed inside that you didn’t have the guts to have your say.

Next time someone disapproves of your point of view, let them disapprove. Good for them. It’s their right and its okay. But stick to your guns. Your opinion is just as valid as theirs – and the likelihood is you’ll get more respect for standing firm.

And isn’t that the funniest part of it all? Think of those who get the most approval in our society. Are they the wimpy ones who hide in the corner and change their opinions depending on which way the wind blows? Or are they the strong ones? The ‘devil may care’ types who tell it as it is and so what if someone disagrees. They are the really cool ones, aren’t they? The true leaders who stand up and dare to be different. The Jesus Christs, the Gandhis, the Martin Luther Kings, the Mandelas…The ones who don’t hide their light under the bushel…no matter who disapproves or what the cost.

And so my friends, I ask you to drop your drug of approval seeking, to stand firm as ‘you’ – and to realise that you are a true original and because of you the world is a better place. Your originality is your gift to the world.

So don’t hide your glorious light, don’t be controlled. Be fully, completely, wholly, wonderfully you – and let us all revel in it!

I hope you liked this article but if you didn’t, that’s okay. I’m weening myself off this drug…

The post Approval – The Drug We All Crave first appeared on LifeBoss Coaching.

I hasten to add it was not on a coaching client. Still, it’s no excuse. As a Life and Business Coach I ought to know better. I’ll try harder next time…promise.

So how did this happen? The reason I hung up on this lady was that she absolutely would not listen to me. Half an hour of back and forth conversation getting us absolutely nowhere. My frustration mounted and mounted and…in the end I hung up…I gave up.

Perhaps you’ve had that feeling? The sheer, utter frustration of trying to communicate but failing miserably.  Being met with a brick wall…a deaf ear.

On the bright side it inspired me to write this short article on ‘The Lost Art of Listening’.

I really think that listening has become a lost art. How many of us take the time to really, really listen to someone? To really understand? In our helter, skelter world we all are busy and want to get our point across. So much so that when someone is speaking we aren’t really listening. We’re just waiting (usually impatiently) for them to stop talking so we can talk. Isn’t it true? We just want them to shut up long enough so we can have our say and in the meantime the art of listening is lost.

Even if we do attempt to listen how many of us really listen honestly and openly – willing to have our opinions changed? We listen from a fixed point of view mostly. We have our beliefs and for the most part dynamite wouldn’t shift them. We filter whatever comes to us through our own ‘reality tunnel’ – our version of things – and if it agrees great, we’re happy and if it doesn’t we immediately leap to defend our own hardened positions. But that is not really listening is it? It’s filtering…

Reminds me of a story the late Tony De Mello told. A guy met an old friend. ‘Tom, how you’ve changed.’ he says. ‘You were so tall, now you’ve become so short. You were so strong, now you’ve become so thin, you were so fair, now you’ve become so dark.’ The friend answers ‘I’m not Tom, I’m John.’ The first guy says ‘So you’ve changed your name too?’

See? Listening from his own fixed position. Not really listening, not really hearing, not really understanding.

So how do you listen? How do you gain the glorious insights you might get from another human being and their life experience? It’s simple.

You just listen.

You are open to their words and body language. You drop your agenda. You drop your preconceived notions. You drop your similar experiences – and particularly that story you want to jump in with. You drop your judgement as to whether they are good or bad, right or wrong, intelligent or stupid. You drop everything but your open, awareness and attention. You don’t talk over the other person, you don’t plan what you are going to say when they finally finish. You just shut up and listen.

And oh the joy of being listened to! The joy of being with someone who really takes the time to listen and to understand, with no agenda, no expectation, no nothing – just giving you the time and space to express yourself fully and to be heard. How wonderful. How rare.

Anyway that’s my tuppence worth. Perhaps I should have listened to that lady more. Hanging up is certainly not listening. I guess I need to take my own medicine. I definitely need to brush up on this art of listening myself. Oh well, h(ears) to next time!!!

The post The Lost Art of Listening first appeared on LifeBoss Coaching.

Recreate your Life

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The post One Small Step for Man…or Woman! first appeared on LifeBoss Coaching.

So you want to be THE BEST? No, you can never be that. There will always be someone younger, brighter, more ambitious, better looking etc. etc. coming right up the ladder behind you. Always. You might make it temporarily but it will never be permanent. Never.

Sorry but it’s true. End of story.

HOWEVER, you can always be YOUR BEST and live YOUR BEST LIFE. No one is competing for that title and even if they were they could never win. Ever. End of that story too.

So now that you’ve decided that trying to be THE BEST is for mugs and you’ve realised that being YOUR best and living your best life is THE BEST THING FOR YOU what’s to do?
As I say it is simple…but not easy. Read on…

The idea came to me from a book called ‘The Official Guide to Success, Volume One’ by a man named ‘Tom Hopkins’. Check it out on the link at the end – it’s really, really great. (And it covers lots of other good stuff too, not just this.)

In that book there was mention of a sentence which Tom called ‘The Golden Dozen’. Those words, if lived by, could send you straight to the top – according to Tom (and I have no doubt he is right). So what were those words? That ‘Golden Dozen’? Well here ye go:

‘I must do the most productive thing possible at every given moment.’

If we did the most productive thing possible at every given moment there is no doubt we would sky rocket to the top – and I have found those words inspiring over the years.

However, I have often felt that it seems a little bit too ‘work/career’ orientated for me – having to be ‘productive’ all the time.

So I venture to put my own spin on the ‘Golden Dozen’. Firstly to broaden it so it doesn’t only apply to work (and in fairness to Tom he didn’t mean it to apply just to work either). It’s just that word ‘productive’ always got to me.

So my spin is:

‘I always choose to do the very best thing possible right now – and I love it!’

For me this is the best way to make the best use of one’s life. To squeeze the juice out of every precious minute.

Now, why is the sentence structured this way?

Well, first it is important to say ‘I always’.

Why ‘always’? Covers all the time, doesn’t it? Not ‘sometimes’, not ‘when I feel like it’, not ‘when I finally get all my ducks in a row’. No sugar coating – ‘always’. That’s it. Bam!

Next ‘choose’ – ‘I always choose’ rather than ‘I must’. Why ‘choose’? Well, for me ‘I must’ feels like a burden, something being forced upon me against my will. We can put up with ‘I must’ for so long and then we rage against it. On the other hand, being able ‘to choose’ – now that conjures up a feeling of freedom. I can choose or not choose. It’s up to me. A bit lighter and easier to bear, I think…

Then – ‘to do the very best thing possible’.

That covers doing the best in every situation within whatever limits there may be, doesn’t it? And sometimes there are limits. There is no use saying ‘I’m choosing to run a Marathon right now’ – if you haven’t trained for it. Better off choosing to go out there and run 100 metres for a start! Stick to the best thing possible. Certainly be optimistic – but be realistic!

Choosing to do ‘the very best thing possible’… What a wonderful choice. What a wonderful way to live.

Examples:

Your loved one says something that irks you. Do you a) respond immediately by snapping their head off? b) choose to do the very best thing possible? That is, respond kindly, diffuse the situation, try to understand that they may have had a rough day. Great way to put an end to petty squabbles, this one.

You’re feeling lazy (but guilty) lying there watching telly as your nicely padded paunch rises up and down before your eyes. Do you a) lie there feeling rotten, open another pack of crisps and feel like a waste of space or do you b) get up off your butt and go for a walk, jog or even give the kitchen a good clean or why not really go wild and start writing that book you’ve always said was ‘in you’. What is the best thing to do?

You’re feeling lonely, no one loves you. Do you a) sit home alone feeling sad or b) get on the phone and have a good natter with someone you haven’t spoken to in a long time or grab a coat and go visit a relative that you love but ‘never have the time to see’?

You fancy that girl across the dance floor. Do you a) stand there feeling goofy and shy and wondering why you’re such a loser in love or do you b) shimmy over there oozing charm and sweep her off her feet? And if you can’t manage charm at least try being pleasant and genuine!

You get the idea…

Next we move on to ‘right now’. Why ‘right now’? Well, now is the only time we can actually do anything isn’t it? Sure we can think about doing something in the future – that’s called ‘imagination’ or we can chew over something we did in the past – that’s called ‘memory’, but ultimately we can only ever actually take real life ACTION in the NOW. Right now. Period.
And, of course, we may need to plan for the future but that planning is in the now. And when that future becomes the now we can carry out our plan – but still it happens in the now. Just think in all of eternity the only time you can actually physically act is right now.

Finally the sentence ends with ‘and I love it!’ Why do we say this? Well to remind ourselves (and to let us feel) what a blooming great way this is to live and that it’s worth the hard work! And when you do it, you will love it. Seriously, it is great. What could be better than living the very best life you can, on your terms?

One caveat here though. Do not lie to yourself. You know what the best thing is – and what it isn’t. No, eating the entire pizza all by yourself is not the best thing. No, putting off starting your workout is not the best thing. No, avoidance of doing what you know is the best thing is not the best thing!!! No, no, no. Don’t lie to yourself – and you know when you are lying – and your life will show it in big, black, gloomy letters.

Truly, if living this commitment doesn’t make big changes in your life rapidly it’s because you are not really doing the best thing possible right now. Seriously.

However – and Tom mentions this with the Golden Dozen too – be gentle with yourself. Occasionally you will mess up. Everyone does. Occasionally you will lie to yourself and you will know you are lying and you will act on that lie anyway. That’s okay. Do a quick damage assessment, move to fix the damage and move on. A habit takes time and repetition to develop so if you mess up, don’t give up. Write it off as a learning experience and move on to doing the next best thing possible right now – because that’s the best thing to do in a situation like that!

Oh and don’t be a slave driver either. The best thing can often be having a nice meal, going for a walk, taking a bubble bath, having a lie on in the morning if you’re tired or cuddling up to a loved one. It’s what’s best for YOU in your best life – so you decide. Balance is important.

Another point – sometimes you know exactly what the best thing to do is, as it’s obvious. However sometimes you’re not sure. At times like that think of the very last thing on the planet that you want to do, but you know you should. You know – that horrible report you’ve been putting off, that phone call that you dread, that dental appointment, that closet tidy up. These are the things that you’ve had hanging over your head for ages because you just can’t muster up the chutzpah to do them but they won’t go away because you know they are important to you. These are the key things to do. These are the greatest wins. Do these and your life will transform before your own amazed and delighted eyes.

But…if you haven’t had the gumption to do these to date how will you get it now? Here’s a trick I learned that will help motivate you to start even the most unpleasant task. Commit to it for just five minutes. Say to yourself ‘I’m just going to do it for five minutes and then if I still hate it I can stop.’ Five minutes of committed action (particularly for things like a workout, writing a letter, starting a project etc.) can be just enough to get you over the hump of inactivity and to develop some momentum. Once started for five minutes, more often than not, you will keep going as usually the task is not half as difficult as you imagined it to be – you might even enjoy it and, oh my God, the marvellous feeling at having it finished. Priceless!

Remember ‘I always choose to do the very best thing possible right now – and I love it!’

Follow this discipline and you will get the job, do the study, do the work out, get the girl, get the body of your dreams, you name it – if it’s the best for you, commit to living this and you will get it. No doubt about it!

However, as I said at the start it’s not easy – but it is simple. You have just got to decide that you really, really want to live your best life enough to commit to this as your mantra.

Yes, this great way of living may mean some discipline (okay, a lot of discipline!) and it certainly takes effort but the rewards are only limited by your own imagination and choices. And once you get a taste for how this can improve your life you’ll never want to stop.

So finally (and again with acknowledgement for similar steps in the great Tom Hopkins book) this is what you do:

1) Start by saying to yourself:

‘I always choose to do the very best thing possible right now – and I love it!’

2) Decide what that best thing is.
3) Do it – as much as is possible right now.
4) Feel the satisfaction of your best life being well lived.
5) Repeat from step one – & enjoy seeing your wonderful life unfold before you.

Now get to it. What are you waiting for? Time is a passin’ and your life won’t improve one jot without you taking some ‘best thing’ action right now! Good Luck with it!
PS If you would like to read the book that inspired this post check out this wonderful book ‘The Official Guide to Success, Volume One’ by Tom Hopkins.

The Official Guide to Success

The post THE SIMPLE WAY TO LIVE YOUR VERY BEST LIFE first appeared on LifeBoss Coaching.